Meet my son, Blastoplast

Okay, I was pretty set on naming my first kid Doctor, but I think I might have to change it to Blastoplast. I mean Doctor gave them the instant title of respect from their first kindergarten roll call onward -- no med school tution required... but Blastoplast. That gives the kid more options. Blast, kid Superhero, and D.J. Blastoplast, for example. Maybe I'll just change my name to Blastoplastany. Rock on.

Did you know that a woman gives consent for what she wants done with the extra fertilized embryos left over from in vitro? Our leader just took control of those 400,000 frozen fertilized blastoplasts in this country that were donated by women for use in stem cell research.

Apparently these simple groupings of cells that have been mingling for a few days are human lives, which is the only explanation of the mental functions of our president. I've passed clots that could have been a better president, I know it.

Choice is not yours any longer, ladies, and you know what comes next. Get your wire hangers ready, because your life is no longer as important as that of a blastoplast. See, that lends even more evidence to why this could be a name of some importance. (I wonder if we could get Bush beaten to a pulp finally by making him a t-shirt that says Miscarriage is Murder.)

Of course if these cells aren't thrown away for not being used in research, never mind being thrown away in the process of research, a lot of those frozen embryos lack identification papers and so will probably lose their rights protecting them against self-incrimination and to ready access to counsel.

And who knows if they have the ability to grow into weapons of mass destruction. I mean, they are super mutable cells -- they might touch rings and yell FORM OF. . . A TERRORIST! (Why is it that with all the options, one of the Wonder Twins was always something lame like FORM OF. . . (anticipation mounting) AN ICE CROWBAR!"?) Of course if these new political detainees are female they'll lose their rights over their own bodies. But if they are black, all is forgiven because right now the Republicans want to be friends. Really, they mean it this time. It has nothing to do with Barack Obama or anything.

Yeah. They really mean it. Just like Bush is really concerned that someone might lose their job if we control pollution and live another couple of centuries. Of course maybe he's secretly a genius – maybe he thinks that when the planet gets hot enough it will melt the embryos and incubate them, thus providing the country with 400,000 laboratory immigrants who are proud to be Americans.

That must be it.